Scene: a call center. Top Secret-looking, maybe soundproof or below ground. Two desks and phones. Two agents.
Both phones ring. FredRico and JahJohn pick up.
FredRico: Hello Federal Burro of Investigation do you consent to be recorded? Please hold.
Puts phone receiver on desk.
JahJohn: I’m telling you, Hoffmann is the expert witness.
Into phone.
F-B-I. Hold ya horses now.
Puts phone receiver on desk.
FredRico: Hoffmann? I knew it! What’s he coming to testify about?
JahJohn: Not my department.
FredRico: But you’re the head of the department.
JahJohn: Ah yes, still, he’s the expert, you see?
Picks up phone again. Into phone
How may I direct your call? You have an anonymous tip? I’m writing it down.
Yes…Ibn Batuta Gets The Blues.
I will pass that along.
FredRico: Thanks for your patience.
Writing
I see….The Negro Speaks of Joan Rivers.
Thank you. Have a nice day.
They both hang up.
JahJohn: Not worth our time!
FredRico: We should be preparing for Hoffmann . What’s his E.T.A.?
JahJohn: Whenever he feels like.
FredRico: You must know!
JahJohn: And I’m not telling.
FredRico: Fine, be that way. What shall we do, then?
JahJohn: You’re asking me? Don’t you have a flag to capture?
FredRico: Our only hope is a jump to a higher level of understanding.
staring at phone
Ring, phone, ring!!!
JahJohn: I need to take a pee break. By no means read the secret file from Hoffmann’s first deposition, which is on my cubicle pod desk.
JahJohn walks off. FredRico looks both ways, then opens the file. A flush is heard. FredRico quickly closes the file and acts as though he had been working.
JahJohn: I have returned.
FredRico: Fast. Taking a leak the leak-proof way.
JahJohn: The Bureau trained me well. Hey, wanna see some of the secret file on Hoffmann?
FredRico: If you think we should?
Synergistically, they put their hands on the file, reminiscent of using a Ouija board. In tandem, they open the file and “randomly” select a page.
JahJohn: Hoffmann is so deposed. “I did observe through my neighbor’s window a girl who was not a girl because she was a robot. How did I arrive at this conclusion?”
FredRico: That’s what I’m wondering.
JahJohn: “She looked like a girl. She bowed politely to visitors, and walked around the house and did some of the cleaning. And she sat at piano and played a mean Mozart.” Skip some of this part. It seems technical.
FredRico: How can you tell?
JahJohn: Because I dunno what means “pizzicato” and “sforzando”. Let’s see… “One day I observed her walking and becoming very jerky, like a clock winding down. Then I noticed the big gear sticking out of her upper back, ticking away like a metronome.”
FredRico: What do you make of this?
JahJohn: If Hoffmann didn’t exist it would be necessary to invent him.
Phone rings. FredRico picks up.
FredRico: Federales, Como puedo ayudarte mi amor? Let me write that down. The former dictator who is on the run. Yes. He is in hiding at a roadside motel called Mondo Pizarro. Yes, we will conduct a full search of South America.
Phone rings. JahJohn picks up.
JahJohn: F…. You know it! Just a moment while I write down your valuable tip-off.
Writing down, pausing to hear the caller and read back
In this day in 1799 in Upstate New York, an ecstatic group called the Movers [Ceaseless Divine Motion Society], formally split from the community of the Shakers [United Society of Believers in Christ’s Second Appearing], (just as they had in turn split from the Quakers). Fortunately, they all remained “friends”.
Hangs up
FredRico: Hoffmann’s wife also went on record as follows: “If word got out that we knew what we knew, I would also be required to testify. But if I did, well let’s just say I would refuse so as not to inseminate myself.”
JahJohn walks over to read the file, to make sure he heard correctly.
JahJohn: I’m thinkin’ we’ll be in the same boat, the more of this we ingest.
FredRico: On the other hand, what if Hoffmann invented something that would make us unremember stuff?
JahJohn: We must try to find it. I place myself in charge of the next section.
FredRico: Might as well. If there’s no E.T.A. for Hoffmann, we could be waiting a long time.
JahJohn reads from file.
JahJohn: “On a shelf there was a little guy in uniform. He was no toy but really alive in every way. The king of the mice didn’t like this. They fought. But the little guy was smarter, because he had an army and he knew how to point his phalanx in the right direction. Needless to say, this gentleman, from the School of Hard Nuts, prevailed.”
A beat. FredRico takes this opportunity to bring the file to his desk. He reads, not noticing anything else happening in the room.
FredRico: Opposable thumbs.
A beat
That’s why.
JahJohn:
Pacing
This is making me paranoid.
FredRico: Did you hear me?
JahJohn: Bro, how can you think of opposable thumbs at a time like this.
Moves rapidly around the room
FredRico:
reading
Oh, so you did hear me.
JahJohn is seen looking under tables and in hard to see spaces. He stands up, holding an open Swiss Army Knife.
FredRico: Got a funny way of showing it.
FredRico now sees JahJohn, frenzied, walking around with knife at the ready.
FredRico: I didn’t do what you think I did.
JahJohn: I don’t know what you’re thinking.
FredRico: Well at least we’re on common ground. Shall we get back to work?
They sit at their desks. Both phones ring and are answered.
JahJohn: Hello, FUBU, I mean F-B-I. Yes, about the operation we are running. I will take notes. What is the operating system? PEMDAS. Can you spell it? ThanQ. The issue is that it’s exponentially harder to use than the last one. Even on a slope intercept operation like this one.
FredRico: Federal Byu– yes, your holiness. I’m sure we can get the ingredients before your visit. I will take note of how to make a, what did you call it? A benedictus fructus margarita. Mango juice. Prickly pear. Holy water, aqua vita aged 20 years. And a little umbrella just like Saint Anthony thought he saw in the desert. Agreed, we need a substitute for the devil’s elixir. Did you just sneeze there? In any case, god bless you!
They both hang up.
FredRico: Still no Hoffmann.
JahJohn: Wait a minute.
FredRico: Been there, done that.
JahJohn: Perhaps he’s putting us on.
FredRico: As in, his file will make a clear case for why he isn’t coming.
JahJohn opens file and reads.
JahJohn: “Some things have been private and under control for the longest time. I will confide that my love of singing never leaves the shower. Can you relate? My joy in going to a casino is only diminished if I gamble. It was that way for years. Until the man with the red eyes looked at me. I tried betting on roulette once, and I won, and I won again. I started to feel compelled to keep playing. With all the money I won, I persuaded a much younger woman to be my wife. She consented, although occasionally she spoke to me about the boy next store, who joined the army and was never heard from again. We were happy for a long time, as far as I could tell.”
FredRico: Is that it?
JahJohn: Of course not. “One day, as I sat at the card table, a young man sat with me and proceeded to win hand after hand. I bet more, and lost everything. He then revealed himself to be my wife’s childhood lover, and offered one last bet. Would I wager my marriage on a game of cards? I did, and lost my wife to this phantom lover.”
FredRico: Those are some odds.
JahJohn: That reminds me of the call I got from a very happy gardener. He told me to hedge my bets.
FredRico: Is he really not coming?
JahJohn: You mean the Devil, Jesus, or Hoffmann?
FredRico: Yes.
JahJohn: We need a strategy.
FredRico: Could we call him? Go to his house?
JahJohn: He’s under our protection, though.
FredRico: Can’t we make an exception, for our own sanity?
JahJohn: But the protector of my friend might be my foe meaning he might not be for real. Know what I’m saying?
Phone rings. FredRico picks up.
FredRico: F-B- I agree, lovely weather for this time of year. An anonymous tip? Please go ahead. The buzzard is hungry. Keep calm and carrion. Oh, I see what you did there.
Click
Hello?
JahJohn: Listen, man. In this file, Hoffmann himself elaborates as follows: Mozart would write out an overture which was already in his head.
FredRico: So it was already gelled in there like the tip of the iceberg?
JahJohn: Lettuce hope so.
FredRico: I think I can dig it. Why should Hoffmann come in to testify? When is there time?
Both phones ring and are picked up.
JahJohn: Thank you for your tip. The APEX supermarket has a predator?
FredRico: Hello. I agree, whenever I’m in Zurich I simply must have the cantonese food.
JahJohn: From your breathing, you sound like an Apex predator!
FredRico: What’d you say about my momma? Zurch you!
They both hang up.
JahJohn: Back to Hoffmann’s file.
Reads
“Yet another conspicuous wierdo moved into town. College friend of my first wife, Viola da Gamba. I’m jealous, or at least I was. He makes his own violins, has dinner parties where he plays them once. Then he destroys the instruments.”
FredRico: But why?
Jah John:
Reads
“I don’t know why. What is he trying to find inside the wood? The secret origin of music? Why keep doing new things? Why can’t he constantly repeat himself, like the rest of us?
FredRico: Great question, but is that all of it?
JahJohn:
Reads
“Of course, there’s more! He has this daughter with a heart condition and he doesn’t let her sing ever. But there’s a violin he does play more than once, because it’s as good as or better than his daughter’s singing voice.”
FredRico: Anything else?
JahJohn: Yes. I predict tragedy so I’ll stop reading.
FredRico: Geez, Hoffmann. There’s a word for that, when you treat women interchangeably with musical instruments.
JahJohn: Metonymy?
FredRico: Misogyny?
Both phones ring. They pick up.
FredRico: Of course you have a tip for us. Go ahead.
Writes
What do you wake up in the morning and eat during a camping trip in the deep, dark woods? Breakfast of Champignons Aha. Thanks so much.
JahJohn: Hello. I don’t know? What’s the opposite of “out of whack”?
pause
“In fine whack.”
That describes me. Thanks for calling.
JahJohn: Well, let’s keep reading.
FredRico: My turn
Takes file
JahJohn: Think you can handle it?
FredRico:
Reads
“Memoirs of an Educated Young Man, who is an ape.”
I mean, there’s a picture here, you see.
JahJohn: How is this relevant?
FredRico: To what?
JahJohn: The big idea, which is the foundation of the case.
FredRico: Well, who knows how we’re going to comprehend the “Idea” – which I capitalized there.
JahJohn: I see what you did.
FredRico: Without supporting testimony.
JahJohn: Fine.
Reads
“I am an ape who cares, who writes letters. I am a huge nerd, very cultured, a connoisseur of good tailoring. How did I get this way? I love to tell. One day, a coconut fell and hit me on the head. The swelling! I did not enjoy this one bit! And yet…my brain commenced to grow rapidly. Soon, I could walk on two feet, speak, and compose music. If you know anything about music, then we both know the meaning of ‘primo amoroso’, ’coloratura’, ‘falsetto’, and the 7/8 time signature.”
FredRico: I am not as smart as this ape.
JahJohn: Telling you, music is serious!
reads
“The thing I have learned lately: at a party, I tell people about the opera I’m writing and everybody respects me. By the way, I’m not writing an opera.”
FredRico: How do we know, that someone who learned something we don’t know, is actually smart?
Phone rings. FredRico lets it ring.
JahJohn: Pick it up.
FredRico: If it’s genuine, they’ll call back.
JahJohn:
finally picking up the phone
Hello, Club Fed. Anyone there?
FredRico: What happened?
JahJohn: Couldn’t hear anyone on the line. Must have waited too long.
FredRico: Or we could hire dogs to listen in on the line.
JahJohn: Seriously!
FredRico; Because dogs are more sensitive.
JahJohn: I know that! And again with the animals.
FredRico: To my mind, Hoffmann is making fun of us.
JahJohn: The ape is making fun of us.
FredRico: Hoffmann wanted the ape to make fun of us, you ass!
JahJohn: Explain.
FredRico: Most people open their mouths and nothing worthwhile comes out. Just look at the calls we get here.
JahJohn: So what you’re saying is, this ape stuff is in the file to test if we’re…what’s that word?
FredRico: Philistines.
JahJohn: That you. You have a mega vocabulary.
FredRico: It’s written in the margin. Although actually I’m not sure where the word comes from.
JahJohn: I read somewhere there was this rich woman Phyllis Stein who didn’t know about art. So we call people like her “Philistines”.
FredRico: Good enough for me!
Phone rings. JahJohn picks up.
JahJohn: Thanks for calling the F.B….I’m fine, Madame Chairperson, how are you? Did you call a few minutes ago? Well, sorry for that.
Takes notes
This is a secure line. Mum’s the word.
FredRico: I thought bird was the word.
JahJohn: I will definitely let him know he is sexist. Good bye.
Hangs up. A beat.
I lied to you. We do have a phone number for Hoffmann.
FredRico: Where is this coming from?
JahJohn: I’m sensing you feel we’ve gone too far. The only chance of this world having meaning is with Hoffmann’s explanation.
FredRico: Yes, but, he is in witness protection?
JahJohn: I know where to call.
FredRico: Yes!
JahJohn: Do we agree we can’t wait for him to call us?
FredRico: Let’s do it.
Dials
JahJohn: Putting it on speaker phone.
Phone rings. Then, we hear hold music. It is Schubert’s Kreisleriana. The piece is based on a
character by Hoffmann.
FredRico: Who has elevator music on their secret bunker phone?
JahJohn: This is Schubert!
FredRico: It’s making me more anxious.
JahJohn: How long do we hold?
Sound of someone picking up on the other line.
FredRico: Hello. F.B.I. here.
Click
FredRico: One last look in the file.
JahJohn: It’s all yours.
….
FredRico:
Reads
“This is the story of a woman in Paris who knew people’s jewelry was getting stolen, especially folks on the way to meet their lovers and give them jewels. She said, ‘a lover who is afraid is not worth being a lover’. Then this lady, who was kind of a detective, realized the stolen jewels around town were made by a craftsman who was proud of his work and didn’t want people to have them. She received an invite to his studio, went to see him and found out he had just been murdered. It was the apprentice’s fiancée, the jeweler’s daughter, who told her this, because the apprentice was locked up on suspicion of the crime. Did the apprentice have a motive? Yes, the apprentice confirmed that the jeweler had always been on a quest to make better and better things. Upon his inviting the lady to his studio to give her some fine jewelry, the apprentice did not want the lady to be robbed. The apprentice knew his master was a thief, but wanted to marry his daughter so kept silent, until he knew someone he also cared about was going to be attacked. Even now, he will not confess what he knows about his late master, since the daughter would be upset. Is it OK to do something bad to stop someone from doing many bad things?”
JahJohn: Damn! Call back!
He dials. Phone rings, then click.
FredRico: I think he doesn’t want to speak to us.
JahJohn: Well, it’s a more general rejection of the F.B.I., not us per se.
FredRico: At least it answers the question, is there a Hoffmann?
JahJohn: It might.
FredRico: Hmm.
JahJohn: Maybe Hoffmann is on a transcendental idealist quest.
FredRico: By which you mean?
JahJohn: He is so busy looking for justice, and art, and stuff, that he no longer speaks our language.
A beat
FredRico: What do we do now?
JahJohn: We stay at our desks and wait for anonymous tip calls.
FredRico: I see today as an example of Romantic irony.
JahJohn: Is that like – that time you got stood up on a date?
FredRico: Hoffmann is deposed. He says, this is all the truth I feel comfortable telling right now. I acknowledge both the joys of this medium and also its limitations. If you want real joy, try art. Your vision of the universe may last a minute, but what’s wrong with that? This is my rough definition of Romantic irony.
JahJohn: They didn’t train me for things like this. Maybe he’ll call us.
FredRico: Perhaps.
Blue Flower song by Dr. Octagon
END