Sometimes, the scientists come clean about they wish they could have been exotic dancers. It’s hard to earn a living as a researcher, they say both in private and in public.
As if it’s easy to be a stripper? Sure, the money’s good. But how much does the laser hair removal cost? A clever, annoyingly cute junior scientist named Alistair McFuffle was thinking about this, still angry after his boss had called him “boy toy”. Alistair was 4’8” and was frequently dismissed as too good-looking to have a brain in his head. In this way, Alistair felt a deep bond with the women in the scientific community, although without exception they were still taller than he was.
Alistair knew that most transformative consumer items of the 20th century had been created, in desperation, in a lab or back room somewhere. Twinkies, they were an attempt to sell strawberry shortcakes stuffed with banana cream, when strawberries weren’t in season in Illinois but bananas were, for some reason, available. “Twink” was another thing the very butch people in town called Alistair whenever he walked around. Admittedly, the poor guy wore platform shoes, which got him as far as 4’10”. Growing a mustache didn’t help much. A school crossing guard started calling Alistair “Mini Me Freddie Mercury Cum Slut”.
He vowed revenge. But you can’t eat revenge, Alistair reasoned. What can you eat? You can eat pussy. Aiistair went back to the lab after hours to find a way to use all that extra cream to get what he wanted.
Project #1, he called “Vanquishing Cream”. Soooo tired of women saying no to dates with him. So tired of their smirks and snorts when he asked them if they’d like to come to the symphony or a museum with him. To a certain extent, he understood why women might be embarrassed unless their man was taller. Still, come to bed with me and height really doesn’t matter! The cream he concocted, all he needed to do is put some on his palm and shake hands with a woman, maybe hand her something she dropped (which was easy for him to fetch down there) and when he greased her skin, he would vanquish her heart. Was this a violation of scientific ethics? Before Alistair could decide this, he had to change his phone number and move to a gated community to avoid those he had charmed.
Project #2, this was “Vanishing Cream”. One time, Alistair walked into a fancy jeweler’s and asked to look at diamond rings. He was laughed at by all the sales staff. The next time he went to this establishment, he went straight for the most expensive gems and covered himself with vanishing cream, rendering himself invisible. After looting and selling several diamonds, rubies and opals on the black market, he had enough money to take control of the board of his company.
Project #3, “Vandalism Cream”, was something that could only be made by someone who felt he was above the law. In Alistair’s home state, the Capitol building had a big sculpture of the Ten Commandments outside. No, this was not seen as a problem in terms of separation of church and state. Alistair walked over to this gargantuan sculpture, reached as high as he could (up to the 9th commandment) and erased “Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife”. That night, back at home, there was a knock at the door. It was the MILF next door! She forced her way into his bedroom and got to showering him with breast milk. After he had his way with her and felt alone enough to turn on Colbert, there was another knock. It was the pedophile mom from down the block. Well, that’s why society has inhibitions baked into it.
Early the next Sunday morning, an unmarked van pulled up in front of Alistair’s condo. Tall, panting scientists in gleaming white HazMat suits plodded up the garden path. It was a little bit like a runway fashion show done by the Knights Templar. They used their secret zap frequency thingy to open the door. You couldn’t say Alistair wasn’t ready for them. At the first, he flung some Foundation Cream. This did little more than force the unlucky scientist to stop and think of which tax deductible contributions he would pledge to foundations by the end of the year. When the second suit continued to advance, Alistair threw a gob of Acne Cream. This caused part of that suit to pop, with white gooey pieces flying everywhere. But it was a multi-layered decompression suit, and this didn’t stop the advance. Alistair attacked the third suit with anti-oxidant cream and anti-aging cream, which only caused the occupant to run faster, with less wrinkles and arthritis.
Within minutes, the HazMat team had cornered Alistair and had pinned him to the ground. So what did Alistair do? He laughed. He giggled. He sighed. He moaned. This had been a big fantasy of his for a very long time.