We at the secret service are looking for an undercover urchin. He is known to hide in plain sight, by being so ugly that no one could suspect him of planning greatly dangerous things.
Where to look for a dirty, disgusting human being nowadays? Well, that’s the trouble. All the regular stores had been put out of business by “Legal Dispensaries”. Half of these were really shit, and were never going to be able to pay their rent. They then closed down, making some streets into ghost towns. Meanwhile, poor people came to the hood to beg for money, and crowded the subway stations. It wasn’t that there were no urchins, but that there were so many echt specimens of the lumpenproletatiat. How to find just one?
Plus, if the legends were true, the guy they were looking for used to be a porn star. Now, this didn’t necessarily exclude him from being ugly. After all, the thing the camera is least likely to focus on is the guy’s face, of course. What could be more unnecessary? Like a TV set on a honeymoon! Like reading the Constitution for the first time after you already voted for Trump twice! Like a bird in hand when you already have two in the bush!
Or was he that ugly? He had starred in several art-porn pieces, such as the Roman-themed gladiator movie where he had exclaimed “My name is Echinus! Be afraid of my penis!” However, for most shots of him in this movie, he is wearing a fancy helmet with cock feathers, bright sun glinting into the camera. “What’s he like? It’s not important.” In those feel-good, wide angle shots, sometimes the whole is bigger than its parts.
And then, according to his file, that’s when he cracked. Somewhere between the casting couch and the latex crotch. Somewhere in the insterstices between anus and heinous, after the foreskin was folded back up and the director yelled “Cut!” Or was it the DP? That would take too long to explain. Anyway, somewhere deep in the cracks, lost in the sauce, he went from being cast as someone trying to rule the world to actually wanting to take over the world in real life. Note: real life means different things to different people.
It was like an Echo and the Bunnymen song. Don’t ask me which one, there’s no time to chat about these things now. This man had followers, and they were all credulous, and together they were a credible threat. This was according to military intelligence. Which is an oxymoron. Which…look, IYKYK.
One day, they will catch this agent provocateur. Maybe by using echography. But when they look at the ultrasound, they will only see something beautiful, because anything in motion cannot be anything but beautiful.