“My name is Curtis, actually.”
“Curt, my man, tell me in one sentence or less why you would be the ideal candidate for this job.”
“Oh, I don’t know where to begin…”
“Next question.”
“What about the first question?”
“Live in the now, Curt!”
“But…”
“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss!”
“Oh yeah, I’ve heard that in a song somewhere!”
“Let’s just go ahead to question 3.”
“Sure, OK.”
“It wasn’t a consensual thing. So, if a client were to curse at you, what would be your response?”
“I would steer them toward less objectionable cuss words. My maw-maw is from Minnesota and she had a whole bunch of these for any occasion.”
“OK, so a customer is yelling WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CUNTY SKANK! You would say what?”
“Son of a sea cook! Someone’s got a bee in their bonnet!”
“And then the customer pulls out a handgun…”
“I would say, gosh darnit oh shucks! Jesus Christmas, will you put that thing down? We don’t need to go back to the Big Bang!”
“And then the customer cocks the handgun, it is loaded and pointed at you…”
“Jesus, Mary, Crosby, Stills, and Nash! Have you heard the good news? Put down the gun and you don’t need to go to prison for life!”
“Curt, I have to say, these responses won’t really fly in our urban business environment.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Someone pulls a gun and tries to fuck you, you don’t just curtsy and bend over.”
“Have you read the Bible, though? That’s where I get all my ideas.”
“I don’t….read…all that much.”
“It says, REJOICE AND BE EXCEEDINGLY GLAD. It doesn’t say, despair and curse. It says TURN THE OTHER CHEEK. It doesn’t say…”
“Curt, why did you think you wanted to work at a drag queen supply store in Beverly Hills?”
“Glad you asked. My paw-paw used to wear my maw-maw’s wigs. Only when she wasn’t looking, of course. They were from Minnesota, and descended from Vikings, and we all know that whole culture is completely 100% straight.”
“I mean, the Vikings wore dresses and braided each other’s hair…”
“Tunics, that’s what they wore. Listen, I recognised that my paw-paw dressing up, doing what nowadays might be considered tucking and vogueing and lip-synching for his life…”
“You mean, he…”
“I caught him singing along to Patsy Cline records several times. Oh yah, and he always chose maw-maw’s curliest wig, too. He used to run his finger through it, just like so. Coy like that. I told myself, If I can’t be as strong or as seductive as my dear paw-paw, well, dag nabbit, I can at least sell all the stockings and heels and makeup to those who have the balls to be beautiful women!”
“Thanks, Curt. This changed everything. I’ll get back to you later today.”