He sat at the clavichord and plinked a few notes. Rapidly.
They didn’t have crackheads back then, but clearly there were some eccentric maestros.
Grigory Arpegionovich Ladakov, by all reports, was a man of rapidly shifting moods. He could jump through time, playing a run of notes so fast he was done before he had started. Once, he put his hand through a door, and punched out a harpist, and the harp, too.
You didn’t wanna mess with him. His beard was long and scraggly, a bit like a crack-head’s. His eyes laughed at you even when he was sleeping, though it was hard to tell when he was awake, really.
The Czarina was rather pliant in the face of his charms. It was whispered that he was her lover. As is known far and wide, she gave birth out of wedlock to twin boys. And they both had beards. At birth. We should whisper those things so that Grigory doesn’t hear us.
He specialized in romancing young women. He was in his 40s and he had the ability to play notes and open legs. Upon further examination, he often played concerti in the key of A Minor. Oh, you thought this was going to be a piece where we sympathize with the male protagonist? He made his way across Europe, following any and every road, such as the Camino de Santiago, giving recitals and screwing minors. There, you heard it.
There was only one way to disarm Grigory Arpegionovich Ladakov. Can you guess? I call your attention to the portrait of him by Ilya Repin, in which the pianist is seated at his instrument astride a fluffy pillion. Why did such a rough specimen of a man place his rear end on a sumptuous cushion? Ah, that is because he liked to be spanked. Take note that, in his portraits, it is hard to tell that the maestro, always seated, grew to his maximum height of five feet two inches tall. Any dominant female he met–and there were six or seven in Russia–found she could talk him into lying stomach-down on his piano bench.
“Oh, you’re a bad one!” she would moan.
“Tell me I’m Grigory the Terrible! More Terrible Than Ivan!”
For Russia was known for having a really Terrible Ivan.
“You are Grigory The Gross!”
SMACK!!
“Grigory The Gruesome!”
WHACK!!
“Grigory The Ginormous!”
THWACK!!
It was said by musical scholars that no one could top Grigory Arpegionovich Ladakov. This depends on what is meant by top.