This time, he had really done it. Nothing could stop Sir Cuthbert.
This was his day. He had gone where no knight had gone before.
He had found all the treasure and left no crumbs. He had deep pockets, for someone who had armor that didn’t have pockets.
His horse was hot to trot. All the maidens were hot for him, too.
That’s why tonight’s gala was going to be an extravaganza.
He had been journeying for weeks to get to the place, which was known as
Castle Rainbow. It lay nestled in the Rainbow Pass, athwart the road to the Rainbow Mountains. And to get there, he knew he had to cross the Rainbow Bridge.
It was at that point that his horse bucked and dropped him like an unsubtle hint.
Ow! It was a long time since he’d been on his back on the ground. What could have gotten into his charger.
“I say, Engelbert!”
The horse turned away, acting like he’d never seen him.
“Now, now! Engelbert Humperdinck, daddy needs thy help!”
At the sound of his full name, the horse shot a mean, wide-angled glance down at Cuthbert.
“Is there something I have done to offend thee, my noble stud?”
The horse whinnied and reared up on his hind legs. Cuthbert took this opportunity to grab on to the mane and pull himself to his feet.
From there, it was kind of hard to mount the horse. Instead, perhaps they could both walk across the bridge.
But alas! The more he tried to walk, the more he fell. It was as though someone had bewitched this crossing.
And it came to pass that a little, hairless monk poked his phallic head out from behind a rock.
“My brother!”
“Yo, what’s up?”
“Why can’t I transgress this bridge?”
“I was about to ask thee the same question. Art thou pure in heart?”
“My heart is large, and pure, just like unto all the rest of me.”
“Knowest thou that health is wealth?”
“Wealth is my middle name.”
“And concerning thy health? Hast thou acquired any infections?”
“I ride and ride and ride and nothing can stop me.”
“True. But could it be a case of Galavanting Pneumonia?”
“Heavens forfend!”
“Thou knowest, one can walk and ride and thrust and hack and whack and galavant while being under the sway of an infection.”
“What will they think of next?”
“Sadly, the bridge was designed by our maesters to preserve the sterility of the Rainbow Palace, for those who venture there may venture beyond to the Pussy Palace, and indeed beyond that may penetrate to the Palace of the Most Untouched Sphincter.”
“‘Tis like thou didst read my mind, brother.”
“Well, sheet. Do us a solid, rest up a few weeks and come and see us.”
“Is there no appeal?”
“Nah, sorry, my man.”
And with a bang of a celestial gavel, the bridge vanished in an avalanche of cheesecake. Which the horse, Engelbert Humperdick, ate his fill of, sans gavage.