Don’t get sad!
Get even!
Sadness thrives in odd numbers, as has been proven by Galen the physician.
You must have a balance of four humours, count ‘em:
Blood, for those of a sanguine humour
Yellow bile, for those of a colic humour
Phlegm, for those of a phlegmatic humour
Black bile, for those of a melancholy humour
If you don’t keep that balance you are mad. This makes perfect sense. Look at all the people walking around who are absolutely batshit crazy. Science recommended putting blood-sucking leeches on these people with big feelings, to see if they could get balanced out.
However, not all Europeans, you know, the smart people, agreed with Galen. There was also Paracelsus, the alchemist. After a few hundred years, it was no longer considered sane to go around bleeding people with leeches. Instead, a revolutionary scientific method was developed. By using beakers and flames, scientists would focus on turning lead into gold instead. That was definitely a more rational idea, which explained why only men in togas were allowed to do this kind of work.
Paracelsus was a big hit in Switzerland, and Vienna, but especially in Baden-Wurttemburg. After all, when your Prince is spending all the money on stupid shit, trying to turn lead into gold is a perfectly reasonable idea.
Alchemy is not a religion. But since it kind of is, here is a suggested prayer:
Dad who art in Heaven
Asking you for help is, like, six seven
Rad is the one who has gold
Add gold to gold and I think you’ll be sold
This is not Capitalism, it is older and much sillier
Fad is another name for how long this lasted, not even linear
More like a teeny tiny dot
Colorful it is not,
More like plaid,
LIke when a college grad gets ripped to pieces by a Maenad.
So when someone at your door wanting to be happy, calls
Smile back and kick that mothafucka in the balls
In later centuries, many wondered why folks got so emotional over science when it had not yet been applied to Sportsball. Sportsball, like science, is subject to peer review, do-overs, and hooliganism. We’ve sure come a long way.