“I’ll never trust a cannibal,” muttered Tex, and then spit tobacco. “They’re so mealy mouthed.”
His horse, Prince Albert, pawed at the dusty road. Tex was a repressed heterosexual. He had named his horse what he named his horse because there was a saddle involved, and bouncing, and friction, and the name took Tex to a happy place.
“Nope, should never have trusted her. She woulda said practically anything to get her hands on my family jewels.”
“Neiiighhhh”
“Yup, those ARE some bright jewels, Prince Albert. I ain’t gonna lie. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. No need to hide any jewels. Except from someone who wants to eat your heart.”
Tex looked out at the usual majestic vista. The horse came up and commenced to lick his ear.
“Naw, I know you want my sarsaparilla.”
“Neeiiiiigggggh”
“But ya see, the last time, you went at it like it was broth. And you got drunk. Yer snores shook the canyon. Ever try to motivate a drunk horse? It’s harder than escaping from a whole buncha cannibals.”
Tex hung his head and sat on a rock. It suddenly felt a bit cooler, and so he looked up again to see where the shadows had come from. Nope, no one would ever believe this. The horse was standing on two legs, and casting a nice shadow, too.
Tex stared warmly at Prince Albert, who held his gaze. And then, Prince Albert said, in a Boston accent, “Blessed ahh the pure in heahht.”
“Gosh darn!” averred Tex, slapping his boot, “That was beautiful, brother.”
“Blessed ahh the Red Sox, for they shall hit it outta the pahhk.”
Tex frowned. “Perhaps. Perhaps.” And then a silence descended.
“Tell me this. Got any crackazz?”
“Sorry. Not today.”
“How about chowdah?”
“I wish,” murmured Tex.
“Gimme some nuts, then.”
“My friend, I don’t have what you’re asking for.”
“You’re a wicked shitty liahh. What about these nuts?”
It was at this point that Tex realized everyone around him was a cannibal and he should never share his phobias with anyone, even horses. He broke into a run.
Which is why the Sheriff of Randall County tells everyone to this day about the cowboy who thought he could outrun a horse.