The angels were busy doodling in the book of life. Not to say that they didn’t take the fate of fucked up, mortal humans seriously. Sometimes, they drew people with one eye, or with a naughty third leg, or with urine squirting out of breasts, or with a big tail that emphasized the diminutive size of something else, or with a forked penis that was facing north and south thus defeating its every intention. Angels did not understand the difference between prejudice and ignorance.
Then again, if humans planned on achieving anything, they had a funny way of showing it. Wake up, make the coffee, dawdle before drinking because they don’t want to get burned. What are you afraid of, hellfire? Just kidding! Of course you are! Dawdle some more. Maybe start writing a poem, maybe finish it next week or next year.
Diddling was about the only thing that humans did right. Diddling meant screwing, which, because it was not directed to high-stakes survival goals, proved that humans were not animals. Angels, who had neither penii nor penises, were impressed by all the diddling. They noted Oscar Wilde’s comment: The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. All art is quite useless.”
If you must doddle, can you at least hurry it up? It’s so easy to fall in love, they would say. It’s so easy to fall into a pit. It’s so easy to ski downhill. It’s so easy to start the operation of compound interest. And it’s true that it’s easy to be a little pregnant which is the same as being fully pregnant. Doddling at its best.
Dandle me on your knee, that one used to say to me. And I would say, it was easier when you didn’t weigh 250 pounds. Then lie down and I will sprawl across your chest. I thought of what it would be like to take my last breath. Maybe, I ventured, we could do it with VR goggles? Then you could get dandled or diddled anywhere you want. She sighed. Do you remember when we used to close our eyes and just feel it? Try doing that in virtual reality. And so, that is why I am now writing my last will and testament. And the angels will get their claws on it very soon.