Month: June 2024

After some strange anti-Jewish sentiment in the USA, I thought it would be helpful to explain what really happened during the Last Supper….

Jesus: Dearly Beloved, thank you for joining me in this olive garden.

Matthew: Oh yeah, man, no sweat. I love the unlimited crackers. I’m trying to see if it’s true you can’t eat five in a row without your mouth drying up.

Andrew: Philip, should we tell him it’s called matzah?

Philip: Andrew, he’s a tax collector in the springtime, let him be happy he came to this lovely dinner in the first place.

Jesus: As I was saying. Well, you know me, let’s do this through a parable. Judas, since it is Passover, would you please recite the Four Questions?

Judas I.: Who me?

Jesus: Is there anyone else here named Judas?

Everyone: YES!

Judas I.: Fabulous. Here we go. (clears throat) Why is this night different from all other nights?

Jesus: Because, by the end of this night, one of you will betray me one time and one of you will deny me three times..

Didymus: I doubt this very much.

Bartholemew: Didymus, all you ever do is doubt things. It’s probably you.

Didymus: Oh, I don’t know.

Bartholemew: Tell him, James son of Zebedee!

James: Zebedee Zebedee that’s all folks!

John: Excuse me, I just have to go to the John for a moment.

Philip: Don’t leave, man. If you miss something, your version of this story might somewhat diverge from other retellings.

Jesus: I won’t keep you in suspense. One of the guys who I said would do one of the things is…the Apostle Formerly Known As Simon.

Peter: You can call me Peter, you know.

Jesus: Listen, Apostle Formerly Known As Simon, you are already showing the proof that you shall cock-block me before dawn.

Peter: I’m here to help.

Jesus: Maybe. But who will betray me, I wonder?

Andrew: It’s probably Thaddeus. He never says anything anyway, just listens. How annoying is that?

Jesus: I will think that over.

Judas I.: In the mean time, will you excuse me? I just have to go put money in the parking meter for the donkey that you rode into Jerusalem.

Jesus: Man, if that’s what you gotta do.

Judas I.: (as he steps over and around other participants) Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry. A thousand pardons. (He exits.)

Jesus: Does anyone else know any of the Four Questions?

Simon the Zealot: Where’s the wine?

Jesus: That is an excellent question!

In the muscle museum, everyone makes a big issue over a little tissue.

It’s not just what you got, it’s what you do with it to get what you want from it.

Sometimes, it is said, humans have within their bodies, divine power.

Come to the second floor and see: the Deltoids of Venus

There is a weight room where you can pull Lats.  Yours or someone else’s.

You can roll your neck, probably one of the biggest muscles you have if we’re being honest.  When counting neck rolls, don’t say 1 Missississppi.  Say 1 Sternocleidomastoidius, 2 Sternocleidomastoidius, 3 Sternocleidomatodius.  It’s just longer, you see.

Go on, you’ve worked hard.  Flex your Trapezius!

Now you may ask, why come to the Muscle Museum?

Why not stay home and recite poetry, like a little wuss?

Wait, you say, it is actually possible to convince women to go to bed with you, willingly?

Like, based on poetry?  Sappho was very good at that, we hear.

Oh no, I can’t speak that nicely, you say.

Have no fear!  For you, music was invented.

You don’t need to say it sweetly.  You don’t need to say anything.  How about a waltz in 6/8 time?

Maybe you’ll get dizzy while you play it.

Imagine the happiness of having more than you know what to do with!

And, if you’re human, how do you even have the ability to know about what’s good, what’s beautiful, what’s bangin’, what’s bussin’?

There are 9 Chicks on a Yacht in the Mediterranean.  Trust me, there are, I read it somewhere.  And their names are the Muses.  They are born of Thunder and of Memory, and they know all about these things and when you know about them, you can’t forget, either.  You want to spend your whole life telling jokes, or reaching for the stars?  Tell your mom you are inspired by the Muse of Comedy, or the Muse of Astronomy.

So, why be so highly strung?  Let your soul sing, or enjoy someone else’s hamstring, today!

Omicron licked his lips.  That human had been delicious.
He asked himself why the human had been so tasty.  Probably because of the depth of his thoughts and convictions.

That must be why.  Omicron didn’t always have such nice meals.  But every once in a while, he went all out and ate someone’s savior.

He had to admit, it was a crapshoot.  Some humans may seem to care about others, but when you get down to eating them, they’re rather scrawny and unfulfilling.

Whereas some, the ones with big bellies and Rubenesque physiques, they can keep you busy for a while but you may end up spitting them out.

What Omicron wanted was a savior whom he could savor.

But where to look?  For a while, Omicron had gotten very skilled at impressions of dog voices.  He could make such sounds outside of a firehouse, wake up the firefighters, get them to open the door, and then eat them.  Again, it was great at first.  You could tell when someone really cared.  And all that sliding down poles and carrying ladders builds real muscles.  But by his fourth scarfing down of a fire brigade, Omicron was tasting all the smoke inhalation.  And so he vowed to go on a purification diet.

For three months, he ate only Community College Professors.

Then, he devoured Theological Seminary Doctoral Candidates.  Nothing against their goals, which he admitted were very noble, but he could just smell the frustration of trying so hard to change the world.  That, and with one dude who was wearing this priest collar that just wouldn’t come off.  So he missed out on all that neck and elbow feasting.

Finally, when he turned his back on the above, Omicron knew he had saved the best for last.  He would go to the biggest Cosplay gathering in Savannah, Georgia.  There were many good reasons behind this savvy decision.  For starters, he could walk just in as he was, looking like a vicious, hungry alien, and people would compliment him on his costume.  Which he wasn’t wearing, but cool.  Several participants asked to take their photo with him.  Some were confused why his image didn’t show up in any of the photos.  Ah, the benefits of alien technology.  Some folks invited him into a geodesic dome for a cuddle session.  They did not come back out again.  But for Omicron, these were mere hors-d’oeuvres.  When he heard it was time for the local manifestation of the Billion Bunny March, he salivated.  And he took the safety catch off his big jaws and opened wide.  There was much screaming.  And eating.  And then, he felt a pain in the depth of his being.  His stomach was full of metal.  This was not supposed to happen.  And yet, when you eat dozens of humans wearing cheap bunny ears with hidden wiring, this can happen.
As he felt his life leaving his body, Omicron wondered if he would go to heaven.  He started to ask his savior for help.  And then everything went dark.

It was an honor and a pleasure to work with Living Radio again at Under St Marks this month.  I was one of the writers who created a new radio play based on a current news article.  My director was Roddy MacInnes and my talented actresses were Mila Besson, Tiffany Renelle, Olivia Webb and Sabrina Gomez. The June plays were performed live and can be streamed here (along with previous wonderful pieces by myself and other writers throughout this year):

Welcome to Living Radio.