The Court Martial began. Magnolia Flowerblossom Summerfield was to held in contempt.
“You have broken the cardinal rule of our nudist colony,” the magistrate fulminated.
“Flagrantly broken them,” echoed the bailiff.
“You were supposed to be in flagrante delicto, and yet, you chose to wear clothes.”
“I was trying not to be too flagrant,” she said falteringly.
“Everyone knows we here at Bain de Soleil Ranch go to great lengths to prepare our Midsummer Festivus.”
“Great, foreboding lengths,” echoed the Bailiff.
“Didn’t we braid the floral garlands? Didn’t we mull the wine? Didn’t we fill the bird feeders? Didn’t we dice the watermelon?”
“So nice we had to dice it twice,” echoed the Bailiff.
“Please, your Honor,” fumbled the Defendant.
“And yet, when it came time for the main event, the traditional Jell-o Wrestling Classic”
“Oh, sacred tradition! Oh contest that molds character,” echoed the Bailiff.
“We found, after your victory, that you had participated wearing NUDE TIGHTS!”
“How do you plead?” asked the Bailiff, anticlimactically.
“Guilty but I have an excuse,” foundered the young woman.
“Oh do you? Did we raise you that way? We are strict nudists! That’s a red flag!”
“We’re flexible but not that flexible,” echoed the Bailiff.
“Your Honor, may I approach the bench?”
“Defendant may approach, but please keep in mind that object are closer than they appear.”
“Your Honor, for your ears only, I must come clean. There’s a reason I didn’t want to get Jell-o all over my bod.”
“Come clean, is it? As I’m sure you’re aware, the winner of each match gets licked clean by the opponent who is vanquished.”
“I know, Your Honor. And believe you me, when the person you’re Jell-o wrestling is your fiancé, getting a tongue lashing is no big whoop.”
“So what is the problem?”
“They break out in a rash every time they touch cherries!”
Under his wig, the Magistrate had a Shaking My Head moment.
“So, if I understand you correctly, you wanted to be licked clean but also to spare your counterpart the allergic reaction to our all-natural, famous cherry Jell-o.”
“That is my humble wish. Cross my heart. I stand before you naked.”
“We all stand before each other naked. At least we do now. You may return to the penalty box.”
The Bailiff cleared his throat. “Has Your Honor decided?”
The Magistrate banged his gavel. “I have been made aware of some extenuating circumstances. The Defendant will not be exiled. She will be flagellated until she shakes like a bowl full of Jell-o. But we need not keep the court in session. She may be dismissed to go home and self-flagellate.
The gavel was banged. The Defendant was released. The Bailiff rose.
“Oh no,” moaned the Magistrate, “you’re not going anywhere. I want you to take this gavel and do some meat tenderizing.”